Tag Archives: Motherhood

If Mama isn’t at 100% She Can’t Give 100%

16 Jul

I had not realized how important self care was until I had a mini-breakdown when my first child was 18 months.

It wasn’t until I could barely make it through a day, dragging my frayed mind, body, and emotions around through the never ending mundane and the constant needs of a busy little body that I realized something needed to change.

I needed to change.

Let me know if you recognize any of these in yourself:

  • You postpone your own laundry in favor of everyone else’s
  • You realize it’s the middle of the day and you’ve only had a few bites of food
  • It’s been weeks since the last time you read a book or watched a show for your personal enjoyment
  • Fruit? Vegetables? What are those?
  • You stay up half the night to enjoy just a “few moments” of quiet
  • You wake up with the children, or with just enough time to pee and brush your teeth by yourself
  • You realize the voice in your head doesn’t have to work very hard to get you in a bad mood
  • The slightest thing can set you off on a mental or verbal tirade
  • You and your partner haven’t had a date, with or without kids, in months
  • Your multivitamin bottle has a layer of dust on it
  • You’re touched out, mentally wiped, emotionally drained, and/or at the end of your rope in any other way every. single. night.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying our lives should never contain any of these, and that if they do we’re failing.  There will be days, even the occasional couple weeks when we deal with several of these at once.

But a full month? Two?  No.

At that point it’s time to take a self assessment.  Spend a couple days where you watch yourself through the eyes of a stranger.  Or just sit in the quiet one morning or night and go over your last few days in your mind or a journal.

I did both of these.

Exhausted Mom

Beyond simply tired.

The conclusion?  I was trying to pour from an empty cup.

With no thoughts to my personal upkeep I had given to those around me to the point that I had nothing left. Nothing.

My first step?  Getting a good multivitamin.

I was still nursing my toddler, and without enough nutrients going in to maintain the both of us my body was lacking a lot of things.  Since I have a terrible time getting pills down I opted for a high-quality children’s chewable.  By the end of a week of vitamins, a little extra water, and taking a few minutes to make myself a real breakfast every morning, things had started to turn around.

From there I went a step farther. Literally.

A couple days a week I would put my little one in her stroller and take a mile walk.  No time limit.  No hurry.  Just a 20 to 30-ish minute stroll around the neighborhood getting some sunshine, a bit of exercise, and a change of scenery while pointing out birds and dogs and squirrels to my ecstatic toddler.

It was a pleasant break in our normal routine of me mostly just hanging out at home waiting for the next mini disaster to happen.

From there I started looking more proactively at my personal routine.

I found that if I went to bed shortly after she was down for the night I could get up and have a couple of hours to myself, or with my husband, in the morning.  Even if all I did was get myself ready for the day, then sit and enjoy a mug of tea while reading or watching a show of my choosing or sit on the couch with my man, it was a step forward.

Bubble baths made a reappearance in my life.  If the kid found me and climbed in, whatever.  I was in a tub filled with bubbles, my lufa, and a couple drops of whatever essential oil made me happy that day.  I’d just take a deep breath and laugh when she tried to help me exfoliate my arms.

I also started adding a drop of jasmine or lavender to my daughter’s baths.  If I’m stuck in the bathroom for 20 minutes playing lifeguard, I may as well get a little aroma therapy in.  (IF you do this, you’ll want to be sure it’s just a drop or two in a lot of water, make sure they aren’t allergic to that particular oil, and that you have high quality oils that won’t be exposing you or your child to heavy metals or pesticide residue.)

I temporarily gave up trying to read paper books, and started downloading ebooks to the Kindle app on my phone and laptop.  It was really nice to be able to sit and read something fun or at least interesting while ignoring the children’s educational show in the background.  If I got interrupted, no biggie.  I didn’t have to worry about trying to find somewhere safe to put the book, I just slipped the phone into my pocket and changed the diaper or whatever.

Never underestimate the importance of a partner who is willing to help you out!  After discussing things with my husband, letting him peek into the little hell I had unknowingly allowed to build in my personal life, he started taking our daughter on occasional strolls around the neighborhood and bug hunts in the yard, strictly so I could have half an hour with the house to myself.  Now, in his defense, she was a very mom-clingy toddler, so it wasn’t until about that time that she would be ok with the idea of leaving me for that amount of time.  Poor guy still occasionally came back in with a bawling kid suffering from mommy withdrawals.  Now that she’s 3, however, they have shopping adventures together.  They hit the hardware store as a team at least once a month.

Pregnant Woman Enjoying Sunshine

Soak in moments of peace. They’re magic.

Now, 2 years later, I’m in my last trimester with our second girl.  Perhaps that’s what brought up this train of thought.  I am still taking those children’s vitamins instead of prenatals.  My water bottle is always handy.  I get up 2 hours before our preschooler usually wakes up, and that is my time to wake up, get my morning self-care done in peace, find a first breakfast, and watch a couple YouTube videos, read articles, or check email.  This amount of time also allows my husband and I at least a few minutes of quiet time to talk without being interrupted by the flow of the day.  It’s too hot right now for walks, especially this late in my pregnancy, but my daughter has toys to play with in the yard while I putter around tending to our little raised bed garden.

I can’t say that every day is perfect.  But it’s a whole lot better than it was 2 years ago.

Your list of self-care needs could look completely different from mine.

You may be an extremely outgoing person who needs to be around other people a lot.  If that’s the case you could spend an hour at the park with your kids while you talk with other moms; a lot of fast food restaurants have a kids play area that often have other parents willing to chat; ask a couple friends to meet you weekly at a favorite coffee shop; arrange for a phone call or Skype chat with someone or several people a time or 2 a week, etc.

You may really need a heavy workout 3x a week to feel human.  If you’re a runner, and leaving the kids at home with someone is not an option, get a baby jogger, put older kids on their bikes and get out there.  Little kids think yoga is the funniest thing they’ve ever seen, and will often try to imitate the positions.  Little kids also make great (giggling) weights for squats or lunges.  There are any number of ways to incorporate kids into your exercise routine.  YouTube is full of cute videos of parents working out with (and often in spite of) their kids.  Or, if you have the funds, a lot of larger gyms provide childcare.

Participating in your community may be your thing.  Joining a community garden would be a great way to help out.  Smaller museums are always looking for volunteers. Your local library probably has a project or program that could use another set of hands. Most care centers would love having someone come in and sing, play an instrument, put on a comedy skit, or just hang out and talk. If you bring your kids along (as possible) it would be a great learning experience for them, too.

If, like me, you need to be alone to recharge, then nap time is your friend.  Don’t just use the alone and quiet to rotate the laundry and tidy the kitchen.  Even if you take a mere 10 minutes at some point in the day to journal, meditate, do a bit of centering yoga, or reading an absorbing book, it will do you a world of good.  Waking up before the kids is very important here, so you have some quiet in the morning to get yourself together before dealing with the never alone that happens through the rest of the day.

Comfortable Couple

A few peaceful moments with him can make a big difference.

This last thought may come across as a bit counter-intuitive, but I have discovered that when I am feeling touched out and ready to scream the best remedy is spending touching time with my husband.  All day long I have been touched because of need, whether physical or emotional need, it’s been draining.  When with my husband I am inviting touch out of want.  It’s a choice thing, I guess, but it does wonders.  Cuddles, snuggles, holding hands, a long hug, a bit of hanky-panky while watching a movie, spooning as we fall asleep, it doesn’t have to be a big production, just touch that you have invited or even initiated does wonders for your soul.  The same idea could apply to a close friend, a sister, or your mom, just anyone you would feel comfortable hugging, getting a back rub from, having your hair played with, leaning against when you’re both on the couch.  It’s not a bad thing for moms to need to be physically comforted, too.

    As moms we often think of ourselves as the ones who just take care of everyone else. But there’s one other person we usually forget to put on our lists. Us.

Our families, those we take care of, deserve to have us at our best.  But more than that, we deserve to have us at our best.

So do it.  Remember that multivitamin.  Make real food a priority for yourself.  Go to bed a bit earlier than usual.  Get up with some time to spare in the morning and spend a few minutes in the tub, or reading, or just sitting in your favorite chair sipping tea enjoying the silence.  Find something that’s just for you.  Whether that is reading fantasy novels, writing a blog, knitting, running, coffee with friends, volunteering, gardening, or any number of things.

Spend time on You. Because you deserve to be at 100%.

 

Advertisements

Why This Mama Wants Spoilers

15 Jul

I am not up on almost all of the most recent shows and movies.

My husband watches a few of them, and keeps me apprised of the developments on the ones I catch 6 minutes of while folding laundry or just sitting down after getting the kid down for a nap.

I want the cliff-notes version. I want the spoilers and plot points, not the endless suspense and drama.

Here are my biggest reasons. (Let’s see if you ping on a couple of these.)

I don’t have time for the show.

As a mother I have a lot on my to do list. Sitting around watching a half hour show that advances the story arc half an inch is not on that list. Anywhere.

Now, yes, I have been careful to put downtime and self-care on that to do list, but I have enough to do with long, thick hair to wash, taking care of my health, blogging, reading, church, and family time.

So, no, I do not have time to sit around stressing about whether someone is going to fall off the cliff in the emotional cliffhanger.

I don’t have emotional space for the drama.

That last sentence leads right into this point: I do not have the emotional reserves to be stressing and tensed up over what the writers have planned for the characters next. I have a toddler who has a breakdown because I carry her to the car…after I just spent 6 minutes trying to convince her she needed to wear her shoes or she wouldn’t be able to walk herself to the car. *head desk*

I can’t exhaust my poor overworked adrenaline glands on an epic battle that has been going on for 3 seasons now. I need my adrenaline for things like when my kid decides to climb onto the kitchen counter to inventory the spice cupboard. 

I don’t want my toddler to see it/hear the language.

If I time things right, pray hard, and am really fortunate, I will get an hour of kid free time in the early morning, or during nap. Every other blue moon, I get both on the same day. So I have very little time when my child is not at my feet or in my lap.

And most of the popular shows have situations and language that I would rather not have my small child exposed to.

She is coming into an age when one moment something is fascinating and the next it’s blood curdling scream terrifying. Bugs, the dog, a game, a story, just something that’s going on inside her head, can set her off in a panic that requires me to drop whatever I am doing and comfort her; whether I understand it or not.

I do not need to add the sights and sounds of killings, life or death situations, mob scenes, or just plain old monsters to her already overactive imagination.

It’s not my genera, but I like a couple of the characters.

There are stories I really like, but I just can’t stand the way they’re being handled. There are characters I am intrigued by, but I don’t want to sit through an entire cast’s drama to keep tabs on them.

So, if my husband happens to be watching an episode I’ll ask him for a rundown of this episode’s plot, or how a particular character is faring. That’s all I really want to know. Thankfully, after explaining this situation to my husband, he is more than happy to summarize things for me in a short conversation. In a way it’s the best of both worlds for him, he gets to watch his shows, and after a two minute explanation of the latest developments he has someone handy to discuss the plot and characters with.

There are a lot of things I could probably get sucked into caring about, but I don’t have the time or emotional resources to handle them and still be a caring, involved parent. I am not deprived in anyway, or starved for entertainment, but I do have to set boundaries on my sources and remember that it’s just a story. Perhaps in a few years, if I still am interested I’ll buy or borrow a boxed set of whatever and binge for a few weekends. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what is best for me and my family.

.

.

.

 

 

Dear Overwhelmed Mommy

2 Jun

Dear Overwhelmed Mommy,

You are not alone.

At any given time there are thousands of mothers around the world throwing their hands up and giving in to cereal for dinner.

Right now there are millions of moms praying daddy gets home on time so they have an adult to talk with.

I can guarantee you that most mommies out there know exactly how many more hours there are until bed time.

Because this is hard work.

WP_20170222_003

An overtired toddler at the laundromat a few months ago. Poor Kathleen.

We hear it all the time, but this really is hard work.

Sure, there are people out there who use machinery bigger than the average house, solve five page math problems in their heads, and there are even guys who knock the snot out of each other for a living.

But they get to leave their job behind at the end of the day. They get to turn off the lights, get in their cars, and go home. They can mentally escape. Shut down for a few hours.

Us? Our jobs wake us up, and are often the last thing we see as we fall asleep. We often get woken up in the night, whether our job titles were actually called or not. We can’t even shower without our jobs interfering.

We’ve been home all day.

101_1078

Does the cycle of dishes ever end?

Or, we haven’t been home all day, but when we do (with 90 pounds of groceries hanging on our arms), we don’t see a comfortable couch to crash on. No. We see the pile of laundry at the end of the couch everyone has learned to not even try sitting on, and that the carpet has an entire box of toys sprawled on it, and needs vacuumed. And, our little job is pushing us through the door, because those toys are calling to them.

We don’t get paid. We rarely get job recognition. We don’t get a promotion until our little ones have little ones.

Wait, wasn’t this meant to be a pep talk?

Not really.

Because I don’t have much in the way of pep right now.

I just want to say, “I see you.”

“You are not alone.”

There is most likely at least one mother on every continent, right now, who is going through something nearly identical to your day.

I kid you not.

WP_20170420_003

I think she’s deaf to the word no. Well, except when she’s saying it.

Because although every child is unique, their wants, needs, and energy are not.

You are screaming in frustration, crying from exhaustion, and giving up out of despair.

I did all of that last night.

And do you know what?

My toddler still snuggled into me at bed time.

The sun still rose this morning.

The birds are singing.

And my morning mocha tastes amazing.

Yes, due to my child’s issues yesterday the only thing I accomplished was keeping us alive.

Yes, my husband held me for five minutes when he found me bawling just around the corner from the dining room.

Yes, our cars are both still dead, and I can’t just go get the groceries and supplies I want.

No, I have no idea how we’re getting to a big party tomorrow that I helped plan.

No, I don’t think we’re going to win the lottery.

But! We will survive.

There will be smiles and laughter today.

Today we won’t be housebound due to rain and thunderstorms.

I have what I need to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for a couple days.

I have relatives to call for a ride to the party.

I have a sister back in the area I haven’t seen in months and can’t wait for a hug.

I have another sister who likes taking me to coffee.

I have another sister who has more kids than me, in a house smaller than mine, who has still survived.

This is possible.

Today is a new day.

I have a to do list, and I will do my best.

.

.

P.S. Yesterday was a craptastic day, but, as another reminder of how wonderfully resilient kids are, I just heard my two year old giggle in her sleep. So much arguing. So many tears from both of us. And she’s giggling in her sleep. ❤

Kathleen 3.5 months - 5-14-2015

Wasn’t she sooo cute, back before she started saying no to everything, even things she wants!

 

 

No S. Sherlock!

24 Jul

Shopping… with 5 kids.  A brave woman. 🙂

.
Here are some of her thoughts about comments from fellow shoppers.

.

Magnificent Mommyhood

DSC07362

Why must we, as human beings, state the obvious?

I do it, I have caught myself many times doing this very thing.  Making comments like, “You’re bleeding” or “You look sick” to an individual who was quite (sometimes painfully) aware.

I remained blissfully unaware of the extent of this epidemic however, until sometime around the third (3rd!) kid.  As I have brought more and more children into “public” over the years, the number one comment I get (generally as I am carrying one child, chasing another and one or more is crying in the cart due to a sudden drop in the barometric pressure-or some other extremely valid reason) is, “You have your hands FULL!”

What I would like to say is, “REALLY?  YA THINK?”  I usually temper my response however, and say something like, “I sure do!”

The second most common response to my gaggle of children is, “Are they ALL yours?”

View original post 109 more words