Tag Archives: my husband

Why This Mama Wants Spoilers

15 Jul

I am not up on almost all of the most recent shows and movies.

My husband watches a few of them, and keeps me apprised of the developments on the ones I catch 6 minutes of while folding laundry or just sitting down after getting the kid down for a nap.

I want the cliff-notes version. I want the spoilers and plot points, not the endless suspense and drama.

Here are my biggest reasons. (Let’s see if you ping on a couple of these.)

I don’t have time for the show.

As a mother I have a lot on my to do list. Sitting around watching a half hour show that advances the story arc half an inch is not on that list. Anywhere.

Now, yes, I have been careful to put downtime and self-care on that to do list, but I have enough to do with long, thick hair to wash, taking care of my health, blogging, reading, church, and family time.

So, no, I do not have time to sit around stressing about whether someone is going to fall off the cliff in the emotional cliffhanger.

I don’t have emotional space for the drama.

That last sentence leads right into this point: I do not have the emotional reserves to be stressing and tensed up over what the writers have planned for the characters next. I have a toddler who has a breakdown because I carry her to the car…after I just spent 6 minutes trying to convince her she needed to wear her shoes or she wouldn’t be able to walk herself to the car. *head desk*

I can’t exhaust my poor overworked adrenaline glands on an epic battle that has been going on for 3 seasons now. I need my adrenaline for things like when my kid decides to climb onto the kitchen counter to inventory the spice cupboard.Β 

I don’t want my toddler to see it/hear the language.

If I time things right, pray hard, and am really fortunate, I will get an hour of kid free time in the early morning, or during nap. Every other blue moon, I get both on the same day. So I have very little time when my child is not at my feet or in my lap.

And most of the popular shows have situations and language that I would rather not have my small child exposed to.

She is coming into an age when one moment something is fascinating and the next it’s blood curdling scream terrifying. Bugs, the dog, a game, a story, just something that’s going on inside her head, can set her off in a panic that requires me to drop whatever I am doing and comfort her; whether I understand it or not.

I do not need to add the sights and sounds of killings, life or death situations, mob scenes, or just plain old monsters to her already overactive imagination.

It’s not my genera, but I like a couple of the characters.

There are stories I really like, but I just can’t stand the way they’re being handled. There are characters I am intrigued by, but I don’t want to sit through an entire cast’s drama to keep tabs on them.

So, if my husband happens to be watching an episode I’ll ask him for a rundown of this episode’s plot, or how a particular character is faring. That’s all I really want to know. Thankfully, after explaining this situation to my husband, he is more than happy to summarize things for me in a short conversation. In a way it’s the best of both worlds for him, he gets to watch his shows, and after a two minute explanation of the latest developments he has someone handy to discuss the plot and characters with.

There are a lot of things I could probably get sucked into caring about, but I don’t have the time or emotional resources to handle them and still be a caring, involved parent. I am not deprived in anyway, or starved for entertainment, but I do have to set boundaries on my sources and remember that it’s just a story. Perhaps in a few years, if I still am interested I’ll buy or borrow a boxed set of whatever and binge for a few weekends. In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what is best for me and my family.

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#MirthMusicMon – Parenthood and Bluegrass

29 May

My husband spent the afternoon and evening really at home yesterday.

So he got to see what I juggle and go through in a day.

A few times he said something like, “She’s in rare form.”

No, dear. This is my new normal. Every day. For the past several weeks.

He has a new appreciation for how much actually does get done despite our two year old playing emotional and physical yo-yo with needing my presence and undivided attention vs. wanting to do things on her own and testing boundaries. It’s a train wreck of a roller coaster every. single. day.

But, she’s growing and learning, dinner is nearly ready most nights when he gets home, I am building a couple businesses in the quiet of early mornings, and the house is…well, still standing, at least. Haha!

Here’s a bit of a peek into what can happen in a single week of parenting a toddler:

If Adults Acted Like Toddlers – Kristina Kuzmic – YouTube

To be honest, I have only had to fish a couple things out of the toilet, and only field one floor tantrum so far. Hopefully I can continue to head them off, but, you know, best laid plans and all that.

And for a little reassurance for all of us parents in the trenches:

You’re Normal! – Kristina Kuzmic – YouTube

Now for some music! A toe-tapper to give you energy to continue chasing, trying, and going for it. πŸ™‚

SLEEPY MAN – Three Brothers Classic Bedroom Jam – YouTube

Here’s to the craziness that is life, and all of it’s strange beauty. πŸ˜€

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That’s it for me this week.

If you liked what you saw, or didn’t but are willing to give the idea another chance, click HERE to go to the link up of all the bloggers doing #MirthMusicMon this week. (Thanks to the creator of this weekly idea, ReGi McClain! πŸ™‚ )

If you should decide to join in on the Mirth and Music Monday fun as a blogger you’re more than welcome. All you’d need to do is find something funny and something musical, create your post, then add it’s URL to the linky on the other side of the above link. It’s easy. πŸ™‚

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#MirthMusicMon – Daddies and Babies

1 Aug

Dads are special. For a man to actually interact with his children is important.

Then you get the dads who make it interesting. πŸ˜€

I’m so blessed that the only problem my husband has with changing poopy diapers is him wondering where his absent minded wife put the wipes this time. lol

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He’s still learning, but as soon as he gets more confidence I’m sure Lonnie will be doing all the wonderfully crazy, don’t drop her, how did she even get up there, dad stuff that will have me shaking my head, and her head over heels in love.

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For more Mirth and Music Monday click HERE. That’s also where you’ll want to go if you decide to join in the blogging fun. Just pick something that’s funny and something musical (they can be the same video), the put your link in the list. πŸ˜€

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Happy Monday!

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#MirthMusicMon – Sneezing

28 Mar

You know how last week I thought there was a cold coming my direction?

I was wrong.

It was a flu.

Too much fever and body aches to be a cold. :/

Sleeping Kathleen - a few days before we came down with this crud.

Sleeping Kathleen – a few days before we came down with this crud.

Kathleen is actually not doing too bad with this. I only had to wipe her nose for a couple of days, she spikes a mild fever once or twice a day, and has developed only a touch of a cough. For the most part she’s still tearing around the house at the same speed. She really thrilled our female lab this afternoon when she decided to devote an hour to pulling little handfulls of kibble out of the dog food bag and feeding it to her. Of course, this was while Kathleen was also enjoying the fruits of her labor, eating probably 4 or 5 pieces herself. (It’s high quality, American made stuff that the dogs have been on for years, so I’m not worried about a few pieces here and there. lol)

Her father and I, on the other hand, are trying to decide if we need to email someone our final wishes. It’s been just over a week for him, and just under one for me, so obviously…we’re going to die.

Seriously, though, it’s miserable at times, but…yeah, I got nothin’.

We will recover. (Have to. I don’t have near enough life insurance on him yet. πŸ˜‰ )

And when we do I really hope we’ll have a couple days in the 60 degree area so I can air this house out, then go for a walk.

Oh! Speaking of walking. Kathleen walked across the dining room this evening!!! She took her daddy a couple pieces of dog food. lolΒ  Twelve feet! And she didn’t pause, squat, or brace herself on anything. It was slow going, but she made it. πŸ˜€

And while she was having me tell her the names of body parts she interrupted me by pointing to her knee and saying “Knee.” Then she pointed to mine and said it again.

I’ve been having little flashbacks to the nerve wracking meeting with her NICU Neurologist where we were told that there was no evidence of oxygen deprivation brain damage, but they couldn’t rule out developmental delays, and warned that there was a good chance she would need monitoring over the next couple years.

My puffy little morphined up baby on the morning of her 7th day of life.

My puffy little morphined up baby on the morning of her 7th day of life.

I think that’s partly why I’m always so over the moon when she does these little things that prove she’s right on track.

She loves to 'help' me clean the floors. Bet your Swiffer doesn't have baby bite marks. ;)

She loves to ‘help’ me clean the floors. Bet your Swiffer doesn’t have baby bite marks. πŸ˜‰

We have been very blessed. She makes us laugh at least a couple times a day, and reminds us to not take ourselves too seriously. How can you when your little one is handing you an old flip phone fully expecting you to converse with her imaginary caller? πŸ˜€

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For Mirth and Music Monday I thought I would use a Veggie Tales song about sneezing. Because, let’s face it, I’ve been getting a lot of practice.

What I hate, is when you get one of those sneezes that just hangs out in your sinuses for what feels like ages. Your head itches and your nose twitches; your eyes water and feel like they’re crossed. It’s miserable!

And just as you’re wondering if it has decided not to happen, so you set the box of tissues back down, it rushes out in a blaze of…um, well, not glory. πŸ˜‰

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpMchY-_edY

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That’s all I have for this week.

For more Mirth and Music Monday click HERE to be taken to the linky where you’ll have your choice of other bloggers’ posts.

That’s also where you can input your own post if you should decide to join in the fun. πŸ˜€

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Never, Ever Give up Complaining for Lent

12 Feb

Does it count as complaining if I couch this in comedy as a cautionary tale?

I hope not.

*Β Β Β Β Β Β Β  *Β Β Β Β Β Β  * Β  Β  Β  * Β  Β  Β  * Β  Β  Β  *

Ok, so Wednesday night, I decided after seeing stuff about Lent on Facebook that this year might be a good one to participate again. I couldn’t, however, think of anything practical to give up, so it went to the way-side. Last night, a day late, I came across more stuff about Lent, and then some inspirational stuff about stopping complaining and trying to view the positive and be thankful for it.

Well, after getting the idea in my head I liked it.

It might have helped if I’d concentrated on the right end of that idea, though.

So last night I set myself up for success by staying up even later than normal. Genus, right?

This morning came far too fast when Kathleen woke up an hour earlier than usual.

Then we had a present from a dog on the kitchen floor. Eew!

Things went normally for a bit as I did my little morning routine while baby watched Kipper, then I got a bowl of cereal. That’s when she decided it was imperative that she be held…Right Now!

No can do, Pumpkin, I have my hands full with the need for fuel. So she wore down my patience with heartbreaking cries between kisses and momentary distractions of shiny toys. I, not the fastest eater in the world due to a tummy that does not take kindly to it, did my best to wolf down my food.

After changing her diaper we head for bed again, where she naps for an hour, two hours early.

She wakes up and we exit the bedroom heading for her changing table…

And encounter a very proud of himself Labrador finishing off the nose of her changing table teddy.

Can this day get any more fun?

Yes. Yes, it can.

I go to microwave some leftovers for an early lunch and the breaker for the kitchen goes. So, I go to find Lonnie and tell him what kind of day I’m having. He goes and flips the breaker back on and holds Kathleen while I get started eating.

Uh, so that’s been the day so far. I spent the entire time looking for things to Not complain about. See the problem?

Now, what could this day have gone like if I’d been concentrating on the second half of the saying? What if I had been looking for the positive? The things to be thankful for?

Well, for starters, we all woke up this morning. No one came down with a surprise cold. Baby’s diaper didn’t overflow. See? A whole list of things before even getting out of bed.

I could have been thankful Lonnie remembered to get the trash out the night before, so there wasn’t much for him to clean up.

We had cereal and milk for me to eat.

When I got her to bed Kathleen fell asleep quickly and solidly, which allowed me to take a bit of a nap, too.

After waking up, she eliminatedΒ  quickly, so I was able to clean it up with only one wipe.

The dog, while oh so proud of his taking out of the evil stuffed animal, did not argue with me when I took the poor thing away from him. And he hadn’t had time to do more damage than removing the nose. It will take a bit of work to fix it, but it is salvageable and still cute.

When I told Lonnie about the blown breaker he didn’t complain or procrastinate. He put aside what he was doing and fixed the problem. Then he held and entertained the baby while I ate the bulk of my food. And, now, rather than going back to his project, he’s hanging out with us, watching silly sci-fi stuff helping corral baby so I can get this blog post out.

See? If I’d looked at the day (as I will now be viewing the rest of Lent) in that light I probably wouldn’t have ended up in a foul mood. Thankfully it was temporary, because I thought about this blog and all of you, and the fact that it might entertain and possible enlighten someone.

Even more to be thankful for. πŸ™‚

Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for being my friends.

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So, how about a little post themed entertainment from Mr. Perry Como?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWee3zJcTpQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWee3zJcTpQ

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Now if you’ll excuse me, Kathleen has a book and an expectant look.

Time to go read to my baby. πŸ™‚

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Merry Christmas, Seasons Greetings and/or Bah Humbug

25 Dec

We survived Christmas Eve, which was the day my family decided to hold our Christmas celebrations this year, making room for time with in-laws.

Baby Kathleen got some new clothes, including socks and tights! Thanks, Mom! πŸ˜€

She also got a dump truck with shapes and a removable driver. It’s in the playpen with her right now, keeping her thoroughly occupied. Also received were books, hats, and just enough money to start a children’s savings account for her.

I was given a gift card to a cool restaurant, a scarf/hood, a coloring book, plans for a fun day out, a set of decorative serving bowls and most likely a few other gifts which I can’t remember this early in the morning. I know Lonnie got some interesting gifts, too. Nothing expensive, but everything was very well thought out and wonderful. πŸ™‚

So now we have the entire day waiting for us to do nothing but eat and loaf around. I may get to play some Wizard101, and play in my coloring book. That is if Kathleen will let me have a couple brain cells to myself. She’s been very clingy these last few weeks. I’m hoping this is molars coming through, and not just a difficult phase. Of course judging by the ear pulling and chewing on everything it’s pretty clear it is teeth.

Everyone seemed to have fun, though, and for that I am very thankful.

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Even our dogs are having a treat this holiday season. The store was out of their usual food, so they were purchased a case of wet food. Wow, that stuff gets gobbled fast. lol

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Well, I’d better get back to my eating. This morning it’s a 4 egg scramble with hashbrowns, peas, and black beans on the side. Kathleen is enjoying the occasional chunk of the egg concoction.

I’m hoping to get her started on a daily fruit and yogurt smoothie, so hopefully I can put a couple pounds back on in preparation for starting a sibling.

Eventually. Hopefully we can get a little more income flowing soon so we can more easily afford the next round of visits to the midwives.

On that note, I need to find ways to make a little more income (as in on the fun side of the decimal line?) from my meddlings on the internet. That may mean some minor tweaks to this site. Don’t worry, it won’t be obtrusive, or annoying. I have a very long list of pet peeves that relate to for-profit blogs.

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Uh, oh. We seem to have butted up to a nap time. Time for me to sign off.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

Holly - No, I Wasn't drunk when I drew it!!!

Holly – No, I Wasn’t drunk when I drew it!!!

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Time for the Confetti Cannon!

18 Dec

No, I’m not pregnant again.

Baby number two negotiations have just begun.

And I’m not a big time published author. Yet.

Although we do hope to have some short stories out on Amazon in the next couple months.

And it’s not…

Oh, I can’t stand it.

I’m a size 6!

That’s right. The pants I am sitting in right now are a pair of 5/6.

They’re zipped up and everything!

Over a pair of leggings for warmth!!

I wore a dress a couple days ago that hasn’t fit me for over 6 years.

We got it for my high school graduation celebration at church.

Yes, this is that cool.

So, are you ready?

Here goes…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL6E3gPQHtE

If I get back down here after the second baby I may have to throw an actual party. lol

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Now I have to go buy new pants and skirts.

No, this is not fake complaining. I dislike clothes shopping. :/

Oh, well, at least it could be an interesting afternoon out with Lonnie. We need to get some last minute Christmas shopping done anyway.

Another gusty sigh.

You know what? I’m just going to go back to the fact that I’m back to my ideal size and leave it there.

Hooray for size 6!!! πŸ˜€

Now I just need to find me a really twirly skirt and I’m all set to play the little girly-girl. πŸ™‚

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kym8gC_s1Uw

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And the Ewww Gross Award Goes To…

28 Oct

A few days ago my daughter, Kathleen, an adventurous 9 month old, decided to do something a little too far outside her abilities and ended up on her head.

Not unusual for this age. It happens almost weekly anymore.

This time, though, she got a little scrape and needed a small round bandage.

Fast forward a few days and Lonnie, baby and I are over at my parents’ house helping them move furniture.

Kathleen is being passed between my mother and myself depending on who’s most needed at the moment.

About the time we’re wrapping up Mom goes down stairs to order a pizza, so I put Kathleen on the floor for a couple minutes and help put clothes in a box while keeping half an eye on her.

It apparently wasn’t the correct half.

I pick her up and notice that she’s rolling something around in her mouth.

Great. :/

As I’m trying to get her mouth open there’s a big, theatrical swallow, and it’s gone.

Then Lonnie points to her head and says…

“Her band-aid’s gone.”

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*** The little bandage passed without incident, by the way. lol ***

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Babies are Weird

9 Aug

They really are!

My 6 month old girl is sitting next to me at the dining room table, alternately babbling, blowing very wet raspberries, and gnawing on the ribbon holding her little chew baggy of grapes, farting like a drunk frat boy, and probably wishing I would put the computer back to the sparkly-outfitted ’70’s music video we watched right before I started blogging.

She is outright refusing to learn how to sit on her own. Instead she keeps her legs straight and wants to bouncy-prance around. This child is going for mobility, ASAP.

Her first word? Dog.

Said very clearly over my shoulder this morning as she looked back at one of our black labs.

Crap.

I really wanted it to be daddy or something…cuter.

Nope. She’s crazy about dogs and cats.

She almost did jumping-jacks in my lap when my sister’s pug came careening into the birthday party last night. Kept shifting her weight and leaning around so she could keep Winnie in sight.

Back to the aforementioned fruit, she will eat so many refried beans I have to cut her off for her diaper’s sake, but makes faces over apples and grapes.

Gripe water has turned into an addiction. I took matters into my own hands and rather than pay $10 for 4oz I asked Lonnie to go get 3 very carefully researched ingredients from the health food store. Now we have made 2 batches of an herbal tea which most babies drink very diluted and sparingly. Not for her. Nope. She will drink it straight or highly diluted. It tastes like unsweetened rootbeer with just a hint of ginger and black liquorish. And she loves it.

My own personal little weirdo.

Love her to pieces. πŸ™‚

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Wanna see the video we were watching?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzKAJRux4ss

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She’s had a nap since the previous words, and has scared me to death by proving once again that she has figured out how to get from the middle of our bed to my bedside table in nothing flat. Now we have no time in which to do the sleeping surface enlargement that we have been talking about.

Going in to get her after she woke up I witnessed her up on hands and knees looking toward that table again. Are we going to have a crawler before the age of 7 months?!?

Is that normal?

Whatever. All I know is that Lonnie and I have our hands full, and from here on out we are going to have to wear track shoes to keep up with her.

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Man, I hate running.

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#MirthMusicMon – Blimey Cow …In 20 Years

2 Feb

It’s Monday again!

Yeah. I’ve made it past my 4th annual 28th birthday and I’m still surprised at their frequency. Go figure.
I have also become a mommy this past month. It’s been scary. Mostly because she was in her third hospital before her twelfth hour of life. But I’ll tack that story after the fun stuff for those who want to know what’s been going on and why I was absent last week. πŸ™‚

For this Mirth and Music Monday I found a funny video by Blimey Cow called Messy Mondays:Seven Things that Won’t Be Cool in 20 Years.

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkYd2TiOw9c

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Then there’s stuff that I think will always be cool, like Herman’s Hermits. πŸ™‚

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Click HERE to see who else is participating this week.

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That’s it for me folks.

Have a Great week!

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Here’s where I tack on my P.S. for baby drama.
Without going into too many technical or icky details I’ll explain.

Last Sunday afternoon, after spending months in the ideal head down position, my daughter decided to flip right before being pushed out and came out breech, and grey. I got to hold her for maybe a minute before the midwives whisked her across the room and started working on her. All her vitals looked good except she had inhaled maconium and wasn’t breathing, or even trying.
The paramedics arrived (like 30 seconds later) and got her responsive. She was making unhappy squawking noises as they all marched out the door, taking her to the hospital for observation.
The ladies at the birthing center got me cleaned up and one of them drove ahead of my husband and I to the hospital. Then began my experience of being wheeled everywhere for several days (Baby girl did not come out gently, the little stinker).
We had been informed that she was doing alright. When we got to the small intensive care unit, however, we were informed that she was not doing well at all and they couldn’t figure out why. Then, after they worked on her for a couple hours, they discovered that she had holes in both lungs. She was shipped to the next hospital.
This one is the big sister of the first, just one town over. Our little one had two ambulance rides before she was half dry.
At this hospital she got even worse. They still had no idea what was wrong and were trying to assess the damage, find the underlying problem, and keep her alive. (Afterwards I learned that the doctor was at the end of a 48 hour shift and refused to leave our baby because she didn’t want to waste time updating someone else. Same thing with the two nurses who were hovering the entire time she was there. We are currently trying to decide what to make for them to say thank you.)
It was decided that she needed more help than even that large hospital could provide, so they started looking into their three options and prepping her for a flight.
Unfortunately everything, including our airport, was fogged in. It was several hours before any fog lifted, and the first option to open up was Salt Lake City. They jumped on it.
Thankfully before they could ship her the morning staff had come in and we now had a lactation consultant and a social worker helping boss certain things around for us. I was shown how to start collecting milk for when baby is strong enough to be fed (and the consultant slipped some other essentials into those bags of supplies, bless her), and the social worker booked me a flight that left an hour after our daughter (and cash for a taxi from the airport to the new hospital! It also covered my food for the next couple days.).
Lonnie drove me to the airport. There was no time for us to get me more clothes than what I had brought and worn to the birthing center. Thankfully I had been a little wishy-washy, so had a couple shirts and extra under things. Unfortunately, no hairbrush, toothbrush, paste, or anything of that sort. Then I had to leave my purse with him because it would count as a carry-on. I came over with my pumping supplies, a rented pump machine, and a carry-on suitcase with as much stuff jammed in as possible from my purse.
I enjoyed take off and landing, and thankfully caught a nap during the half hour flight. Then we landed and I was completely responsible for myself…and technically handicapped. In fact they had arranged to have a wheelchair and assistant waiting for me in the terminal.

So I was in a third hospital, only this time I had no one around me. Until, a new social worker and a new lactation consultant found me. Both lovely women.
My family was constantly calling or texting me, so I never really felt alone. My husband couldn’t come for a couple of days because of paperwork and logistics. He and my parents arrived on the same day. Huge sigh of relief.

On the afternoon of the first day here our daughter’s doctor sat me down and told me what is wrong with her. She has Pulmonary Valve Stenosis. Basically the valve that lets blood go to her lungs is too small. To compensate it has been working way too hard and has gotten too thick as well.
They have a plan for that. Yup. I have met with her cardiologist now, too. They are going to put a little balloon in her heart and blow it up until it makes that valve bigger…and not in the gentlest way, unfortunately.
However, if the procedure goes well, and she heals correctly, it could be several years before they have to actually go in and do a real heart surgery to make the permanent changes necessary for adult life.
Now, a week after her birth, she only has one tiny hole in her right lung. Her oxygen levels are great. They are taking her off a couple of the medications, and lowering the amount that the respirators are helping because she is breathing rather well. If she continues to heal and stays stable they will be able to perform the ‘cathing’, as they have been referring to it, some time on Tuesday. We are very hopeful.
We still have not been able to hold her; she is hooked up to too many machines and bags right now. But we can go in and touch her and talk to her.
This evening she had the hiccups and was making all the crying faces but couldn’t cry because of the tubes down her throat. That’s the first time I cried at her bedside. I couldn’t pick her up and make it better. But I toughed it out, kept my right hand on the top of her head and my left on her thigh and quietly told her that I don’t like the hiccups either, but when she gets older I’d show her how to get rid of them. A few minutes later they went away and she fell asleep. So now I’ve shushed my baby to sleep. Finally. A week after she was born.

By the way, in case any of you are wondering: She was full term and came out 6 pounds 11 ounces, and 20 inches long.

If this post and explanation seem a little scrambled and rambling, please forgive me. I have been running on adrenaline and too little sleep for a week now.
One thing I must say is that everyone at the second and third hospitals have been wonderful. It has been scary, yes, but not as bad as it could have been if the staff had not been as gentle and caring as they are.

I have to give huge thank yous to my Aunt Debbie for hugs, getting me some dinner that first evening, and your travel pack of tissues.
My parents for always, always being there.
My husband for holding my hand all the time, being man enough to hold my purse, and for bringing the right clothes when you drove down.
The rest of my family for calling and texting and staying upbeat, and understanding if I don’t get back with you five minutes later.

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Okay, that’s all for now, folks. I’ll try to keep you updated, but for the most part I’ll still just be concentrating on Mirth and Music Mondays here. I need the laughs. πŸ™‚
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**Edit: To read the next post with a baby update click HERE.**

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