Tag Archives: pregnant

#YourTurnChallenge – #Day3 – Sex Ed.

21 Jan

“Alright, settle down.

I know you’re all wondering who our guests are today. This is Mrs. April Anderson, Mrs. Beth Beckham, and Ms. Crissy Crest. They are here to talk to you about pregnancy. We’re going to let them each have a couple minutes, then we’ll open it up for Q and A. April?”

Clearing her throat, April begins, “I used to have adorable size 8 feet. Last week I bought these. Pretty, huh? Right now I’m a 9 wide. They say there’s a chance your feet will go back to their original size, but I’m not so sure. My mom’s didn’t. …”

Beth, “… I threw up a minimum of twice a day for 9 weeks straight. My record was 6 times. I was so exhausted I didn’t even have the strength to cry when a good friend passed away. …”

Crissy, “… You know how everyone has a personal space bubble? A certain portion of this planet seem to think you’re public property when you’re really pregnant. I can’t tell you how annoying it is to have a complete stranger reach out and touch your belly. Then there’s all the questions. Seriously, how many times a day do I have to say that I’m due next month? …”

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How many teenagers (and adults for that matter) would think twice about getting it on without putting one on if they had to sit through an hour of listening to pregnant women tell the truth about the pregnancy glow?

Yeah, the glow. After a week or two of basking in the wonderfulness that is impending motherhood all the symptoms come crashing in and that adorable glow is now caused by hormone induced hot flashes, or turns ashen as you spend your days always knowing where the nearest trash can is. Just in case.

Not fun.

I’m not saying that all pregnancies are horrible, daily life altering slices of hell. But they aren’t all parades through rose gardens, either.

Kids need to know the truth before they figure out what tab A is and why it goes into slot B.

Take two days ago. I spent half the day crying. Don’t ask me why, I just did. And it wasn’t that poetic single tear down a cheek stuff. Oh, no. It was soul-wrenching sobs, puffy eyes, tears dripping off the chin, blow your nose before you get snot bubbles crying. Sexy, right? (ugh)

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this kind of wide spread info would stop all unplanned pregnancies. That would be an impossible task. We’d just drive ourselves insane attempting it. However, I do think it would give people (girls, especially) a more realistic idea of what they would be risking (besides STD’s and a bit of a mess to clean up).

Yup, just let them know they could possibly get stretch marks on their perky C cups, mood swings that take one from elation to suicidal thoughts and back, or projectile vomiting just because they smelled onion and they might even give abstinence half a thought.

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(Sorry, not little ears friendly, but so true!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf8B6UQSrW4

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#MirthMusicMon – I’m So Pregnant

29 Dec

Sooo pregnant. As a matter of fact today marks the first day that she could safely make her arrival and not freak out the medical professionals. Judging by the track record of my mother and a sister, however, there is a chance she could be up to a couple weeks late.

I could be with-child for another month after this.

Nooo! :O

Actually I’ve been mentally prepared for that possibility since before she was conceived, so it’s really just a big game of birth day roulette. (Physically, however, is another matter. Getting very tired of carrying around another person. Sweet and interesting as she is.)

Today’s Mirth and Music Monday is a song that reflects some of these sentiments (among others).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVuittFyM34

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I was very proud of myself today. Twice while shopping I made it down to pick up something from the bottom shelf and made it back up without any help.

Yeah. I’m awesome. 🙂

Then I almost tipped over at the cash register while just standing there. Not even moving or holding anything. All of a sudden gravity shifted a little to the left.

Not so awesome. :/

There is a reason my husband likes for me to hold onto his arm when we walk through parking lots. lol

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If pregnancy stuff isn’t your style, give this video a try:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eOu-jVuuxo

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I haven’t even thought of any resolutions for next year. Should I?

Nah.

My hands will already be full enough just trying to figure out the whole mommy thing.

*Gulp.

Mommy.

Please excuse me while I have a mini panic attack about the impending arrival of the most responsibility any two humans can embroil themselves into within the space of a single year.

Parenthood.

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Do you have any good pregnancy/early parenting stories? I’m convinced they’re the adult version of campfire ghost stories. We just have too much fun getting scared. 🙂  C’mon, share!

Or…

What are your resolutions for this year? What’s your past track-record? Do you have a foolproof plan for making them stick this year?

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If you would like to see more Mirth and Music Monday click HERE to see who else is playing along this week.

That’s also the same place you would click should you choose to add your funny and tuneful post to the list. (*hint* *hint*)

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See you in the New Year!  😀

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In Loving Memory of My Butt

3 Sep

When I met my husband I probably weighed 105 pounds soaking wet.

We have always been honest with each other, so it’s not surprising that not long after we were officially a couple he told me he was going to put some meat on my skinny little bones. He started cooking up his favorite recipes (did I mention he’s half Italian? Yum!), and I did research on what I should eat to gently put on some mass.

After about a year or so I was up another 20 pounds. I thought I was cute before? I felt freakin’ hot at 125. What surprised me was how easy it was to maintain. I didn’t go over, and once I got into the habit of eating more protein and a little more fat I didn’t slide back very often.

Then came the economic slip’n slide. His job was in housing. Mine was in mortgage loans. Let’s just say there was a lot of ouch before we were both unemployed. Not pretty.

So, I went from a busy little bee in an office to a couch potato as we sat around filling out every application we could lay our hands on. My weight crept on so slowly that before I realized it I was 150 pounds and had split the inner thigh of my much loved, second hand pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. A very sad time for me. I worked hard to maintain a positive light on my body. The last thing I wanted was to become depressed over something that was reversable.

Now the goal was to healthily lose 25 pounds. P90X only made me sweat a lot (although the endorphin highs were a lot of fun), and walking wasn’t enough. Eventually life led me to find The 4-Hour Body. Following the slow carb diet laid out in that book my blood sugar leveled out so nicely that I rarely had a migraine. I soon realized that while I wasn’t losing weight, my flub was being replaced by some pretty amazing muscle. Without working out!

That’s when I implemented some of the author’s recommended exercises to help women put on muscle but still maintain that hour-glass figure. Since I hadn’t seen my actual waist in a while it was very hard to only do the moves twice a week.

My figure was improving, my blood sugar was wonderfully stable, I had just published my book of poetry… and I realized I was late for my period. Like, not normal late.

After a year of trying I was beginning to worry, but there it was, a second blue line that was even darker than the sample line. No maybes about that! Ironically I tested the morning after Mother’s Day. 🙂  I was officially 5 months pregnant on Labor Day, and should give birth some time after my 31st birthday in January. Sometimes it seems almost surreal.

Right now, anyway.

It felt horribly, kill-me-now real up until almost a month ago.

My round size 9 body met up with morning sickness, oral thrush and pretty serious food aversions (like, to almost all food). The oral thrush lasted about a month and a half, despite prescription medication. The morning sickness finally let up about 3 weeks ago. I haven’t vomited in about 4 weeks. Please, God, don’t let that come back.

At my last weigh in at the birthing center I was 132 (a month ago). I had lost 18 pounds in about 2 1/2 months on one of the most miserable crash diets imaginable. The things is, I hadn’t just lost fat. I know I have lost a lot of muscle mass as well.

Want to know how I know?

My butt.

Yes, my butt. I had quite a nice booty goin’ on back there. And it was all muscle.

Now, wooden benches and metal folding chairs are like torture devices.

I have a bony butt again.

Waah-haha! 😥

I am a twig again. I don’t even look pregnant. Five months along and I barely pook out.

I keep flashing back to that part in Mulan where the match maker circles her and says “Too skinny. Not good for bearing sons.”

There will be triumph! There must be. This can not continue. At this rate I will just be a little stick figure with a giant baby belly. Bed rest would be mandatory because eventually I would not have the ability to walk around! I probably wouldn’t even have the strength to give birth and be stuck with a mandatory c-section!!

*Breathes into a paper bag*

The light at the end of this tunnel? The fact that a few days ago I worked up the courage to steal a bite of my husband’s very creative scrambled eggs… and they tasted like eggs. They didn’t settle all that well, but still! 😀

Then I tried a spoon of some of clam chowder he was eating and that tasted right. Although it did have an unpleasant aftertaste.

But the most important thing of all? He made some taco flavored beef/pasta concoction the other night. It smelled good while he was cooking it. He asked if I wanted some. I cautiously said I would try a little. He brought me about half a cup. I ate it all!!! No unpleasant side effects, either. If I wasn’t already full of that and raw veggies I totally would have accepted his offer of seconds.

There is hope. 🙂

Now I just have to get my protein intake up to where I can start on a very mild muscle building work out twice a week. Pretty much what I was doing before the baby’s presence threw my life for a loop.

I very much look forward to having my booty back. 😉

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P.S. Don’t worry, the baby’s doing fine.

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